My Friends Collection
by MCGEEandME
Summary: Right now: TOW the Get Together,TOW the Air Mattress, TOW the Drunken Morning and TOW the Clocks. Just in: TOW They go on a Raod Trip. Coming Soon: TOW the Bets. Don't worry, I'm not deleting any fanfics, they will ALL be in this collection.
1. TOW the Get Together

Friends: The One With the Get Together

Disclaimer: I own nothing Friends…unfortunately.

Summary: Monica and Ross plan to throw a get together party for their father's promotion. Rachel falls for a marine biologist and invites him to the party. Phoebe falls for one of Mr. Geller's friends. Joey and Chandler meet two men that act just like them.

Note: This episode takes place during the 5th season, no particular episode. But, Phoebe is still pregnant.

(Rachel storms into the Central Perk, the coffee house, where all her friends are, running over to them, clapping her hands frantically.)

Rachel: You guys, guess what?!?!?

Chandler: You decided to act sane for once?

Phoebe: Psh. Like that's gonna happen!

(Rachel looks at Phoebe.)

Rachel: Look who's talking- going around and screaming you're carrying your brother's babies!

Phoebe: I meeeean, it's like it's going to already happen!

Joey: Nice save, made perfect sense!

Chandler: Coming from the man who has a naked lady on his shirt and a condom hanging out of his pocket.

Joey: Oh, I forgot it was there. See one thing lead to another, and….

Ross: We know the process, no need to share.

Joey: Oh, I just thought someone with less experience might want to know how it all goes down…I'm really just trying to be sympathetic….

Chandler: Because we all know how sympathetic you really are… especially to those one night stands….

Rachel: Okay, back to me!!

Monica: Oh, honey, what is the big news!

Rachel: I think I found my dream man!

Gunther (at the register): Oh lord, please say my name!

Joey: Now, did you actually meet him in your dreams, or….

Monica: Joey, shut up! I want to know who it is! I never get to here the gossip right when it happens!

Joey: Cuz' you were fat in high school?

Rachel: Joey, shut up! Gunther!

Gunther (looks up to the sky): Thank you!

(Gunther goes over to Rachel.)

Gunther: Yes! YES! I will take you out for an evening on the town, and-

Rachel: Gunther, I was going to ask for some coffee.

Gunther (embarrassed): Oh, okay... I knew you were going to say that… ummm…the 1,000th customer gets a night out on the street with the business manager…. (Rachel stares oddly at Gunther.)

Phoebe: Hey, you said I was the 1,000th last week! I want my dinner!

(Gunther sighs and walks away.)

Rachel: Anyways, his name is Xander, and he's a marine biologist.

Phoebe: First Ross, now this, what other scientist freaks do you attract?

(Ross gives Phoebe a glare. Joey laughs, and coffee comes out his nose.)

Chandler: Careful Joe, you don't want your brains coming out!

Joey (staring): Can that really happen?

Monica: Joe, it can't happen-

Phoebe: Sure it can, I've seen that happen with mummies!

Ross: Pheebs, don't you think that was a rather long time ago….

Phoebe: In my other life! Duh?!?! You know Ross, it's not just a hat holder! (She taps her head.)

Rachel: Phoebe, please, back to me…okay, so Xander is so perfect! He loves animals, just like me….

Chandler: Which is why you hit that dog last week?

Rachel: He, he tried to chew my purse! That was coach!

Phoebe: Oh no, Rachel….

Monica: Has he asked you out yet?

Rachel: No, but he's been giving me signals all day yesterday at the park. I was hoping we could plan a party of some sort… and I could invite him?

Monica (to Ross): Hey, Mom and Dad are coming over this weekend and they are expecting some dumb party for Dad's promotion.

Ross: Monica, their needs are not dumb.

Monica: Ok, they're perverted, like their need to do it in my room when I was five. I walked straight in! I was scarred for life!

Joey: Is that why you became fat?

Monica: I was not fat! I was muscley!

Phoebe: Which is why you could beat Ross up?

Ross: Hey, she was double my size!

Joey: Dude, that's no excuse!! You're older! It's like me vs. Chandler, the real man should always win!

Chandler: Thanks man!

Joey: Anytime!

Rachel: So, Monica, can that be a get together for Xander as well?

Monica: Fine….

Phoebe: Oh! I could be the entertainment!

Chandler: Whoa, Pheebs, you don't want to scare Xander! Rachel really likes this guy… (Everyone stares at him.) I mean, women have they're needs… I mean….

Joey: Dude, you're so gay!

(The scene changes to Monica's and Rachel's apartment where Monica is cooking and Ross is on the couch. Rachel later enters the room.)

Monica: A little help here!

Ross (looks up from reading): Oh no, I've been down _that_ road. I'm and not going into _that_ kitchen.

Monica: Oh come on, just because my face is covered with flour does not mean I'm a ghost!

Ross: Well I wasn't talking about _that_! But looks like I'll be getting nightmares again tonight!

Monica: Well than what were you talking about!

Ross: That time you almost cut my finger off!

Monica: Oh come on! The knife landed like four feet away from you!

Ross: Yeah, because I used my quick hopping movies to dodge the knife! I am a total Keanu Reeves! (Ross acts out the Matrix, leaning back to dodge the bullets.)

Monica: Well you were whipping the potatoes wrong!

Ross: Is that a reason to murder someone!

Monica: Yes!

(Rachel enters as Monica and Ross continue screaming at each other. Monica looks at Rachel.)

Monica: What are you carrying?

Rachel: Oh it's my new coach purse! Don't you love it?

Monica: Where are the decorations I sent you out for?

(Rachel reaches into her new coach purse and takes out one streamer.)

Rachel: Here.

Monica: You bought one streamer?!?

Rachel: Yeah, on your orders!

Monica: I have to go and buy some more decorations now! Ross, make sure the steak doesn't burn. And DON'T touch the potatoes!

Ross: Oh, don't worry, I'm not suicidal!

(The scene changes to a couple hours before the party, while all six friends get ready.)

Joey: I don't see why I have to wear a lame tux.

Chandler: Stop whining. You sound like my Janice. (Chandler cringes as he says her name.)

Phoebe: I think you look good, Joe.

Joey: Good enough to lead me to the bedroom?

Chandler: hey Pheebs, how do I look? (Chandler turns around and Phoebe cringes.)

Phoebe: I have the right to remain silent.

Chandler: Oh, the commandment burn.

Phoebe: No, it's what I tell the cops.

Rachel: Oh, I'm so excited for tonight! Xander… such a great name….

Monica: That makes one of us! I am so NOT looking forward to tonight!

Ross: Mon, come on, Dad got a promotion!

Monica: And you know what Mom's going to say to me? She's going to say, "Monica, this should be an inspiration for you to go out and get a good job! Ross has got one!"

Ross (Laughs): It's true!

(Monica slaps him on the head.)

Joey: So who else will be coming to the party?

Monica: My parents, my father's friends, Emily….

Rachel: And Xander! Don't forget Xander!

Monica: And Xander.

Ross: Well, everyone will be here in about a half hour.

Rachel: I should get changed.

(Its about 25 minutes later and the party is about to start. Rachel comes out in a long, black, silk, low-cut dress. Joey gawks at it.)

Joey: How you doin'?

Rachel: If that's your way of complimenting me, than thank you.

(There's a knock on the door.)

Monica: Oh, that must be my-

Ross: Our!

Monica: Oh yes, I forgot the little brat was my brother. OUR parents must be here. Everyone act normal. And Joey, wipe that chocolate off your face!

Joey: Oh! (He wipes it off with his sleeve.) Crap. Monica, look what you made me do!

Monica: Shut up! I'm answering the door! (Monica opens the door.) Mom, Dad, welcome.

Mrs. Geller: Well, this is… interesting. (Mrs. Gellar walks right past Monica to Ross.) Ross! It's so lovely to see you! How is everything!

Ross: Great. Ben is great. My job is great.

Mrs. Geller: See Monica, you should take after your brother! You would think this would be an inspiration for you to go out and get a good job!

Monica (whispers to Phoebe): The party jut started and I already want to kill myself.

Phoebe: How about I play some music to get this party going!

Monica: Phoebe-

(Phoebe goes up in front of the seats.)

Phoebe sings: It's a party. I'm singing as you nod your heads. But you see, my mother's still dead… The party is just getting started, it didn't fail. But that doesn't mean my stepfather isn't still in jail.

(Mr. and Mrs. Geller stare at Phoebe oddly as she sings. Just then there's a knock at the door and Mr. Geller's friends enter.)

Phoebe (stops singing): …and there's a hot guy at the door.

Monica (introduces): Everyone, this is my father's friend Robert.

(Phoebe smiles at him and flips her hair, whiping Ross in the eye.)

Ross: Ow!

Phoebe (whispers): Shut up Ross, I'm eye-flirting!

Monica: And these are some more of my father's friends, Joel Tibberni, Chase Bling, and Isabelle Denine.

Phoebe (rushes to talk to Robert): Hi. I'm Phoebe Buffay, but you can call me Regina if you want. I have to go sing now, but I will be back later, and if anyone else plays some music, you better save me a dance… except I'm the only one here with musical talent….(Robert smiles and Phoebe goes to entertain the people.)

Phoebe: Ok, this is a song I just wrote…in my head… I hope you like it. (to the tune of Smelly Cat.)Handsome man, handsome man, look at the pretty girl. Handsome man, handsome man, she's playing the guitar.

(Joey and Chandler go over to talk to some men listening to Phoebe's song: Joel Tibberni and Chase Bling.)

Chandler: Hi, I'm Chandler. Bing. Chandler Bing…and no, I'm not gay.

Chase: That makes two of us! I'm Chase _Bling_. And this is Joel-

Joel: Dude, I can introduce myself! I'm Joel Tibberni.

Joey: Way to stick it to the man! I'm Joey.

Chandler: Gonna say you're last name Joe, or are you afraid of getting molested?

Joey: Duh! I won't get molested, these are _guys_.

(Chandler makes a face as if to sarcastically say: Oh, why didn't I think of that.)

Chandler: Are you sure about that?

(Joel makes a strange face.)

Joey: Dude, what are you doing?

Chandler: Sorry, when my parents divorced I started using humor as a defense mechanism.

Chase: I hear you man! My mother left for another woman.

Chandler: Hey, my father turned gay!

Chase: Gardener?

Chandler: Poolboy. So Chase, what do you do?

Joel: Some freak thing with numbers.

Chandler: Hey, I do Statistical Analysis and Data Reconfiguration.

Chase: Me too!

Joel: Those aren't real jobs. I'm a model. Get all the girls I want.

Joey: No way! I'm an actor. But I did do butt double for someone once.

Joel: Niceee. Did you sleep with someone last night?

Joey: Yeah. You're way manlier than any of my other friends!

Chandler: Yeah, even Monica.

Joel: Wanna grab some steak?

Joey: Sure!

(Joey and Joel go to get a bite to eat.)

Chandler: So what movies do you like?

Chase: I'm a big fan of Miss Congeniality.

Chandler: Great movie.

(Phoebe is then seen singing her song.)

Phoebe singing: Handsome man, handsome man, don't be turned away from my stomach. Handsome man, handsome man, it's just my brother's kids.

Rachel: Where is Xander? I can't be stood up! I've never been stood up! Look at me!

Monica: Oh, someone's at the door, maybe that's him.

(Monica answers the door. Xander is there with another woman.)

Rachel: Xander! Xander! You came, is this your sister?

Xander: No, this is my wife, April, you said I could bring someone.

Rachel: Oh, yes! I did, didn't I?

(Rachel makes some polite talk with April. Phoebe steps down from the stage.)

Robert: So, you're baby, that's you're brothers?

Phoebe: Well, not in a disgusting way.

Robert: What way is that not disgusting? (He begins to walk away.)

Phoebe: Yeah well, someday you're gonna get your sister hopped up, and I won't be there to help you!... wait, that didn't come out right… oh, well….

(Phoebe goes over to see Rachel who looks gloomy.)

Phoebe: May I join you?

Rachel: Yea, you can join the loser table. I can't believe Xander is married!

Phoebe: Yeah well, this stomach sucks! You would think it'd be attractive.

(Ross comes over.)

Ross: Can I join you?

Rachel: What happened to you?

Ross: I tried to hit o that woman that's a friend of dad's… and I think I was drunk… and I'm pretty sure I mentioned something racist… while trying to get her in bed….

Phoebe: Wow, is that why you have a black eye?

Ross: No, I walked into a wall… twice.

(Joey and Chandler come over.)

Joey: Wow, those guys were so weird! I mean Joel, he has no sympathy for woman's feelings!

Chandler: I swear Chase is gay!

Joey: Man, I mean, I'd never want to be those guys!

Rachel: We all had crappy nights.

Ross (picking up his beer): I'll drink to that! (drinks) Wow, after a couple glasses you can't even taste it.

(Monica comes over.)

Monica: Oh, beer, give me some!

(Monica takes the beer from Ross.)

Ross: That's okay, I couldn't taste it anyway.

Phoebe: Crappy night, Mon?

Monica: I swear most parents try to brag about their children to their friends, my parents seem to think it more efficient to do the opposite.

Chandler: Well, I'm going to bed. (stands up)

Ross: Hey, wait up!

Chandler: No way, you're not sleeping with me! Wash out that beer.

Ross: Okay, I'll wash it down. (He takes his glass of beer.)

Joey: Not with more beer!

Rachel: I'll have it. (She drink the beer.)

Monica: Our lives suck.

Phoebe: At least we suck together… wait, that's not right….who gives a crap.

End Creditss


	2. TOW the Air Mattress

Friends: My Creation: The One With the Air Mattress

This takes place in the 8th season, no particular episode.

(Joey enters into Monica and Chandler's apartment, where Phoebe is on the floor, blowing up an air mattress. Monica and Chandler are on the couch.)

Joey: Hey Phoebs, watch'ya doin'?

Phoebe: Oh it's great, I bought this air mattress and I'm totally going to blow it up and sleep on it. You know, I completely want to actually sleep on a bed one of these nights.

Monica: Phoebe, you have a bed.

Phoebe: Yea, so?

Monica: Oh, and Phoebe, why are you blowing it up in here?

Phoebe: As apposed to…?

Chandler: At your own place! You know, what is commonly referred to as home….

Phoebe: Excuse me, but my grandmother brought her lawyers over, and I just can't deal with them right now! And look who's talking, Chan! No one likes the fact that you're here, but you don't see anyone bringing that up!

Monica: Ahem. You just did.

Phoebe: Mon, I really don't need this right now! Especially with my grandmother's lawyers and everything….

(Phoebe storms out.)

Joey: Great going, Mon. I mean come on! Give her some sympathy! Lawyers are really cruel… going around and taking money… or something like that….

(Joey leaves to comfort Phoebe.)

Chandler: Now really, what is the deal with these lawyers?

Monica: Phoebe read an article that lawyers have been fighting _against_ animal rights.

Chandler: Well some lawyers do that, it's their job.

Monica: Well you know Phoebe….

(Phoebe re-enters the room, her face slightly blotchy with Joey following close behind.)

Phoebe: I'm sorry Monica. I think it's the air from blowing up the mattress… making me a little light headed.

Chandler: And it's rushing there because your head is hollow?

Phoebe: I'm just going to pretend I didn't hear that….

Joey: Way to go Phoebs, way to stick it to the man!

Phoebe: Who's the man?

Joey: Well, I guess I'm the only _real_ man in this room….

Phoebe: Good one. Take _that_ Chandler!

(The scene changes to Ross in his apartment with Ben visiting.)

Ross: So Ben, how's school going?

Ben: I've got a girlfriend.

(Ross spits up the coffee he was drinking.)

Ross: You're like six!

Ben: I'm eight! And mommy said-

Ross: Which one?

(The scene switches to Ross, Rachel and Joey in Central Perk.)

Rachel: He has a girlfriend?

Ross: Yes!

Rachel: Have you met her?

Ross: No.

Joey: I would like to meet her….

Ross: Are you thinking about hitting on an eight year old?

Joey: Ben's dating an eight year old?

Ross: Ben is eight!

Joey: Oh, you're talking about your son….

Rachel: How many Bens do you know?

Joey: One….

(Phoebe, Monica and Chandler enter the coffee shop. Phoebe is carrying her air mattress.)

Joey: Hey Phoebs, you haven't got that pumped up yet?

Phoebe (out of breath): No! I mean, you would think a mouth this big would blow it up easier than this!

Rachel: Um, Phoebs, is that a self inflating pump hanging from the bottom?

Phoebe: Oh, those damn-

Chandler: Wow, Phoebe, how about you just come over and plug it in this outlet… before that hollow head begins expanding….

(Phoebe plugs in the cord and the air mattress begins pumping up.)

Joey: Wow, Phoebs. Stop the machine.

(Phoebe unplugs the cord. Joey goes over and lies down on the air mattress.)

Joey: Okay, start this baby up. I'm going for a little joy ride.

(Phoebe plugs the cord back in the outlet and the air mattress begins to inflate with Joey on it. Rachel laughs.)

Gunther: Oh, how I love that sweet laugh.

(Gunther comes over.)

Gunther: Excuse me, but you can't bring that bed in here.

Phoebe: Hey! I don't think there should be geeks in here, but there are!

Gunther: Are you calling me a geek.

Phoebe: No, I was actually referring to Ross.

Ross: Thanks Phoebe… that's really great for my self esteem….

(Gunther goes over to Joey.)

Gunther: Is he sleeping?

Chandler: Probably.

(The scene changes to Ross walking in his apartment and finds a girl, Ben's girlfriend, yelling at Ben.)

Girl: I hate you Ben!

Ross: Oh, that's a little harsh, I'm sure Ben doesn't deserve that.

Girl: Ben kissed another girl in our class!

Ben: We were on a break!

Ross (whispers): He is going to get _divorced_….

( Everyone is back in Central Perk the next day where all six of the friends are having coffee.)

Ross: The divorce force is back! I mean, it's great. All my mistakes will live through my son. It's every father's dream! I'll be a legend….

Phoebe: Really? Because I remember my stepfather's dream was to get out of jail….

Rachel: Hey, look at this, the basement of our building is being put up for rental for storage space.

Joey: I could store all my condoms down there…wait no, that wouldn't work, because I would constantly be going down to get them….

Phoebe: Oh! I could store my guitar down there!

Monica: Honey, what about your music?

Phoebe: I'm beginning to think I don't have the talent for it…don't get me wrong, I'm a wonderful singer….

Chandler: But…?

Phoebe: I just don't think I have the it factor.

Joey: Oh no, that's not true! When you sang Smelly Cat, it was so touching; I think I even shed a tear…

Chandler: No, Joe, you left a needle in your pocket again.

Joey: Oh, that was it.

Monica: Oh! I can store my cleaning products down there!

Rachel: And you know, it will be a great workout for fetching them everyday….

Monica: Well, I've been trying to act sane. So I will only be cleaning once a week now.

Chandler: And that's sane….

(Everyone goes to put their not needed belongings in the basement.)

(The scene changes to Phoebe, sleeping on his air mattress that night. It is pouring hard that night. Her fan is on, and Phoebe tries to get in a comfortable position. All of a sudden, the air from the fan blows the mattress out from under Phoebe. Phoebe wakes up as she hits the floor.)

Phoebe: I hate this damn thing!

(Phoebe takes the air mattress and brings it down to the basement so she can put it in storage. She enters the basement, and the floor is flooded with about half a foot of water. Phoebe drops the air mattress and sprints back upstairs. Phoebe wakes up everyone.)

Phoebe: The basement is flooding! Our things are wet!

(Everyone, except Ross, who is at his apartment, follows Phoebe down the stairs to the basement. They arrive in the water, which is now a foot high.)

Monica: NO!!!!! My cleaning products! Oh, Mr. Clean, I really did love you….

Chandler: And I thought you loved me….

(Monica gives Chandler a glare.)

Chandler: Well, look at the bright side, now we can be sure the water we are in is clean….

Phoebe: My guitar!

(Phoebe lifts the guitar, and a gallon of water falls out.)

Phoebe: NO! My music, my image….

Chandler: Good thing you were giving it up!

(Phoebe gives Chandler a glare.)

Chandler: Wow, I feel very unsafe with these glaring women….

Joey: Hey, look Phoebs, it's your air mattress!

(Joey goes over the air mattress, which is floating on the water, and lays down on it. Rachel is seen crying.)

Monica: Honey what's wrong?

Rachel: I left my Maballine New York mascara down here….

Chandler: Why would you leave your make up down here, when you use it all the time… you do love to make your eyelashes long… wow that didn't sound gay at all….

(Rachel gives Chandler a glare. Chandler steps back, tripping in the water.)

Rachel: I felt left out! This is a very emotional time for me… Phoebe and her lawyers are very hard on me… that kind of thing effects everyone….

Phoebe: Is Joey sleeping?

Chandler: Probably.

(The scene changes to Ross in his apartment with Ben.)

Ben: I feel bad for what I did to Cecilia. She wrote me a letter. I think I will apologize and hope she takes me back.

Ross: No! You can't do that; you can't make her feel _good_. You'll never get divorced! The divorce force will never live on! No, son, the right thing to do would be make your father feel proud by acting like a jerk.

(The scene changes to Joey with his very own air mattress in Monica and Chandler's apartment. Joey has the air mattress plugged in and is lying on top of it. He is inflating it and then deflating it, his idea of a roller coaster. He is rising above the ground and then back to the ground. As he does that he is making excited exclamations like, "Woohoo" and "Yipee" and "Par-tay". Phoebe walks in.)

Phoebe: I'm sorry, I didn't mean to barge in on you and….

Joey: Oh Phoebs, I wanted to thank you for inspiring me to buy my own air mattress. It's like a carnival in my apartment! Well, Monica and Chandler's apartment. And I get the best sleep on this.

Phoebe: Oh, that's so sweet. Seeing you so happy really gets me over this whole lawyer thing. You know, you can have mine, I really don't want it. You know, if you have a woman over, you can get cozy on the air mattresses… Joey? Joey? Are you asleep?

End Credits


	3. TOW the Drunken Morning

Friends: TOW the Drunken Morning

Disclaimer: I own nothing friends…unfortunately.

Note: I think this will take place right after TOW the Get Together (5th season—that I made up, not an actual episode). All you need to know is everyone has a hangover—which is why they're acting this way.

(Everyone wakes up…they all fell asleep at Monica's from the get together.)

Ross: (he touches his head) Ah, is there beer in my hair?

Phoebe: (touches it) No…but you do need a shower. Your hair is greasier than a hobo's dog's coat of fur on a sweaty day. (everyone stares)Yes, I've felt it!

Joey: You're a drunk lousy!

Phoebe: No, I'm a great drunk! I can prove my hangover's better than yours!

Monica: Oh, I want to play!

Chandler: Damn, I was hoping the hangover would get rid of Monica's aggressive side….

Ross: And I was hoping it would make Monica less manly. I'll let you in on a secret… (leans in towards Chandler and starts screaming) you can't expect anything from that cat lady!

Rachel: Monica never owned cats! Maybe some very adorable cleaning products… but never cats!

Ross: But she could! Right? Right!

Joey: It's like Mr. Heckles in Ross's body!

Chandler: (staring on into the distance) Or just Mr. Heckles….

Phoebe: But really, darling, I've had so much more practice at mornings like these than all y'all!

Joey: Cowboy country!

Rachel: Woohoo!

Monica: Come on, you guys!!! Let's play hangover war! I WIN! I WIN! I WIN!

Ross: We haven't started yet, silly!

Rachel: My old friends, when they had hangovers as teenagers, they would plan scavengers around town! And try to win! Oh…we could do that!

Chandler: You mean scavenger hunts?

Rachel: Yes!

Monica: Oh! Yes! Yes! YES!

Phoebe: Well, we've established that!

Joey: Wait (thinks over the idea for half a minute)…_now_, we've established that!

Monica: Boys vs. girls! Boys and girls! BOYS AND GIRLS! Your going down, Ross!

Ross: No, your going down, Mom!...I mean Mon…or Mom?

Chandler: Ok…paper and pencil… paper and pencil…here! (he grabs a paper and pen, and gets ready to write)

Rachel: That's a pen! Stupid! (Chandler stares at her)

Phoebe: Ok...you have to get someone's number at any convenient store…a picture of someone on your team sticking their head in the pond in Central Park….

Rachel: And a kiss from Gunther!

Monica: How drunk are you, Rach?

Rachel: But the guys won't want to get that!...well, Chander might….

Ross: No! Once a cheater, always a cheater!

Rachel: Are you implying I cheated on you when we dated! (Ross just laughs)

Joey: Ok, Gunther for the girls and another woman at Central Perk for the guys…but, you know ladies, if you want to get a kiss from the ladies also, that's not breaking any rules, but I picture will be necessary.…

Chandler: And a picture of someone on your team pouring beer behind the counter anywhere that sells it at this time in the morning!

(They discuss some more and come up with a full list for the scavenger hunt. A copy is made, and they are just about ready to play.)

Monica: Ok, GO!!!!! (Everyone except Joey immediately stands up)

Joey:…oh! (He stands up too)

Phoebe: Monica, Rachel, come on! (They walk towards Phoebe slowly) Years on the street and I settle for helping the clumsy!

Ross: To the beer first!

Rachel: Central Perk! Come on you guys!

(They all race out the door with their teammates ready to kick some butt. Rachel, Phoebe and Monica reach the coffee house.)

Monica: Ok, everyone huddle! (whispers) First, we'll get Gunther's kiss, and get some beer if we can, then we will head off to central park to get our heads dunked in...and while we're there we can get a picture of someone walking a dog—and on the way, if you see any convenient stores, tell me! Ready!

Phoebe: Let's kick some ass!

Rachel: (walks up to Gunther at the counter) Gunther, do you sell beer at this time in the morning?

Gunther: We don't sell beer at all…but for you, I could do something….

Rachel: Great, and I need a kiss.

Gunther: (Staring) I knew some sense would get knocked into you!

Monica: Ok, we're on a tight schedule, so Rachel I will get a picture of you pouring beer, and Phoebe can get the kiss from Gunther.

Gunther: Wha-

Phoebe: (kisses him) Oh, did you just have some iced tea? I can taste it!

(Ross, Joey and Chandler walk into the coffee house.)

Rachel: Gunther, can you do something for me?

(Gunther nods his head.)

Rachel: Great, don't give any beer to Ross! Bye!

(Ross walks over to the counter and Phoebe and Monica go to see Joey and Chandler, who are talking to some ladies.)

Joey: Yeah, so… (he leans in for a kiss)

Phoebe: Joseph! Don't you dare! And lady, don't take my man! I am dating him, and if you make any move on him, I will hunt you down! I'm watching you! (The lady backs away and so do her friends.)

Chandler: Hey, that's cheating!

Monica: Run!!

(The women run out of the coffee house, cracking up.)

Rachel: To Central Park!

Phoebe: Weren't we were just there?

Monica: No, honey, _park_, not _perk_.

Phoebe: Ohhh, gotcha…hey! I finally get why it's called Central Perk!

Monica: Good for you, now lets go!! Come on!

(The scene changes to Joey, Ross and Chandler in the streets.)

Chandler: That was a great kiss!

Joey: That you stole from ME!

Ross: Come on you guys! We need a picture of one of you lying in the streets!

Joey: Not me! (Ross and Chandler look at each other.) No!!!

Chandler: Hey, I got the kiss! (Joey's eyes narrow)

Ross: Now! (Ross and Chandler shove Joey into the street and snap the camera)

(The scene changes to Monica, Phoebe and Rachel at the pond in Central Park.)

Phoebe: So who's going to stick their head in?

(Everyone stares at each other.)

Monica: We don't have time for this! (Monica and Phoebe nod their heads in agreement)

Rachel: What was tha—

(Monica and Phoebe shove Rachel into the pond and takes a snapshot. The scene changes to Ross, Joey and Chandler walking to Central Park while fighting.)

Joey: How could you guys do that?

Chandler: Hey, I had to get the kiss!

Joey: But that was a _kiss_!

Chandler: Yea it was! (Joey stops walking and tackles Chandler.)

Ross: Hey, break it up!

(The scene changes to the ladies, walking away from Central Park.)

Rachel: That was sooo unfair! And you were only supposed to get my head wet!

Phoebe: Oh, stop complaining! You're acting like Chandler! (Rachel stares at Phoebe)

Monica: You guys, stop fighting, let it go. We have to win! COME ON!

Phoebe: Hey, look, it's the guys!

(The women look over and see Chandler and Joey fighting, and Ross trying to break it up. The three women walk over to them.)

All women: Losers!

Monica: My team will _so_ beat you to the ground!

Rachel: Since when is it your team?

Monica: I mean…come on you guys, there's a dog to walk! (She runs after the dog. Rachel and Phoebe let it go and follow Monica.)

Phoebe: (to the owner) Your dog is so precious! Can I pet him?

Owner: Go ahead.

Phoebe: And can I hold his leash?...It makes me feel more comfortable around pets…I think….

Monica: (to the owner) Move it buster! (She grabs the leash from out of his hand and hands it to Phoebe. Rachel takes the picture.)

(The scene changes to Ross, Chandler and Joey standing in front of the pond in Central Park.)

Joey: (whispers to himself) Payback time….

Ross: What was that, Joe?

Joey: Oh, nothing. (He sneaks up behind Ross and Chandler and shoves both of them in the pond and takes a picture. Chandler's head bobs up and gives Joey an evil glare. He grabs Joey's ankle and pulls him into the pond as well. They start yelling, and then, all of a sudden, they start cracking up. The scene changes to Monica, Rachel and Phoebe at a convenient store.)

Phoebe: (points to a man) How about him?

Rachel: He's so ugly!

Monica: Well you're not going to actually call him!

Rachel: Fine… (she walks up to the counter) Hi, I'm Cindy. I've seen you around and I was wondering if I could get your number?

Worker: (smiling) Of course you want it! Here (he writes it on some scrap paper) Call me tonight!

Rachel: Sure… (The worker winks. Rachel cringes in disgust, and they all walk away. Just then, the guys walk into the shop, all dripping with water.)

Monica: You know, only one of you needed to get wet?

Ross: Shut up! (Phoebe gives Monica a high five.)

Worker: Hey, if your wet you must stay outside!

Chandler: Shut it.

Joey: Come on, I am getting the number this time!

Monica: (whispers to her teammates) Watch this. (She walks up to the guys, where Joey is talking to a lady.) Hey Joe, I haven't seen you in so long!

Joey: Wha-?

Monica: Are you finally out of the hospital?

Joey: What hospital?

Chandler: NO!!

Monica: You know the mental hospital. I hope your doing better. That man you almost killed, he finally forgives you! Well, have a nice day!

Joey: (stares, trying to understand what just happened)…ah! No!

Ross: Cheater!

Monica: Oh no, Ross, that's you! (She leans into the woman) A little advice, this man here (points to Ross) will cheat on you. And this man (points to Chandler) will use you. Let us women look out for each other, ok? (She walks away and the lady looks at the three guys in disgust.)

Rachel: That was amazing!

Monica: Thanks!

Phoebe: We are so going to win!

(Phoebe, Monica and Rachel enter the coffee house again just to sit down and rest for a minute, while Monica explains what to do next. But since everyone was so tired, they ended up drifting off to sleep. The guys walk by and see them all asleep, laugh, and walk inside.)

Chandler: They are going to be so pissed!

Joey: So, the mustache?

Ross: No, that's so old…how about loser on the forehead, and tie their wrists together.

Chandler: Perfect. (They do that and leave.)

(Outside the coffee house)

Ross: Where's Joe? (They look inside and see him asleep on the chair.)

Chandler: Should we leave him?

Ross: Well, we don't have the time to wake him up…it takes at least five minutes to do it right….

Chandler: But the women will eat him alive! (They smile at each other, still angry about Joey shoving them into the pond.)

(Back in the coffee house—Monica wakes up, sees what happened, and wakes up the others.)

Phoebe: No!

Rachel: Gunther, how long were we asleep?

Gunther: Exactly five minutes…but it's not like I was watching or anything….

Monica: Come on; let's get this rope off our wrists.

Phoebe: Gunther, some help?

Gunther: Fine…. (He unties the rope and the women all try to get the 'loser' off their forehead. They spot Joey.)

Rachel: Perfect, Chandler and Ross left him here.

(The women put his hand in some warm water and set off.)

Monica: Ok, we still need a picture of someone in the street, someone posing next to a manikin in a clothing store, a dirty magazine, and that's it.

Phoebe: Ok, I will get in the street this time, and Rachel, you can pose with the manikin at Gap, and Monica, go get a magazine over their.

Monica: Since when are _you_ boss?

Phoebe: Just go!

(The scene changes to the guys finishing up what they need to get. They head back to the coffee house to call the other team. The women are already sitting on the couch.)

Rachel: Looks like we won.

Ross: Looks like your head still says loser! Hey, what did you do to Joey? He reeks!

Chandler: Fine, show us what you got.

(They share their things.)

Ross: Hey, there is no picture of you with a manikin!! We totally win!

Monica: Rachel! I leave you with one thing and you screw it up!

Rachel: I'm sorry!

Phoebe: Well, let's see what you guys got! (Ross and Chandler show what they got.)

Monica: That's not beer! It's coke!!! You thought you could fool us? We win! WE WIN! I WIN! I WIN!

Chandler: No, I believe it is a tie!

Monica: No, you…you left Joey here, that's bad sportsmanship! So I-I mean WE WIN!

Ross: But you guys cheated! You told Gunther not to give us beer!

Monica: So? We still win!

Phoebe: Monica, let it go.

Rachel: Yea, it's a tie.

Monica: NO!

Ross: Whatever. But hey, we did learn that Joey is the lousiest drunk!

Chandler: Should we wake him up?

Rachel: Let him sleep.

Everyone: Ok. (Everyone except Joey walks out of the coffee house and go home. Later Joey wakes up.)

Joey: What reeks? And is there coffee on the chair—something's warm? Where is everyone?

End Creditss


	4. TOW the Clocks

Friends: TOW the Clocks

Disclaimer: I own nothing friends…unfortunately.

Note: I think this episode will be anywhere in the first season. And I hope to make it funnier, I'm a little unhappy with the in-humorous beginning. What do you think?

(Joey is seen sleeping. He is hugging his pillow, and a smile creeps over his face- in a very creepy way. All of a sudden his alarm goes off, startling him awake. He screams and wakes up. Then he runs out of the room.)

Joey: Chan-Chan!

Chandler: Joe? Are you saying something? Go back to sleep! Did you have another nightmare—hold on, I'm coming!

Joey: Worse. I was dreaming about doing Jennifer Aniston. And my alarm woke me up before I finished!

Chandler: You irresponsible bastard!! Didn't your mother teach you to finish what you started! (He said in that very Chandler way.)

Joey: Goodnight Chandler.

Chandler: You're going to skip work today?

Joey: It's one in the morning, dude. Shut up and leave me to Jennifer.

Chandler: What are you, crazy? It's seven!

Joey: Oh crap (looks up) hope you can wait till tonight Jennifer! I get this shower!

Chandler: But my hair is greasy!

Joey: Talk any more gay and you'll end up in a shower with me!...dead.

Chandler: (running out the door) I'm off to Monica's!

Opening Creditss

Chandler: (at Monica's door) Monica!! Open the door! Monica…as loud as a harmonica… especially at Hanukah…get out your Yamaka…and Adam Sandler'd be pissed I took his song…but it couldn't be any worse than that time he thought I was hitting on him.

Monica: (opens the door) What is it creep!

Chandler: Shower!

Monica: It's one o'clock!

Chandler: Well, Joe was right…this seems like a sacred moment…well, can I crash on your couch?...Joey will probably keep me up all night.

Monica: Go ahead, but we get up at six.

Chandler: Great.

(Joey gets into the shower, but it's freezing, so he heads to Monica and Rachel's. He finds the door unlocked. He sneaks into the bathroom. Rachel is just coming out.)

Rachel: If your not Chandler, I swear to god, I'm going to chop you up!

Joey: It's Joe! Would you have really done that?

Rachel: No, I would've run and gotten Mon. Shower?

Joey: Yep.

Rachel: Your clocks are wrong. It's one.

Joey: Oh…can I crash here? Chandler'll keep me up all night.

Rachel: (looks on the couch and sees Chan. She cracks a smile) Sure… pretty tired, Joe?

Joey: Yep, I'm going to fall right to sleep.

(Hours pass and it is seven. Rachel's alarm goes off.)

Rachel: What the hell? I'm an hour late! (She walks out of her room and sees Joey on top of Chandler on the couch. Joey is smirking.) Monica!!

Monica: (wakes up) What is it?

Rachel: The clock! It woke me up and hour late!

Monica: Crap!!! I have to get to work. Why is Joey on top of Chandler?

Rachel: Beats me.

Monica: Joey and Chandler get the hell out of my apartment! I'm running late and I don't have time for you two!

Joey: What? (looks down and sees Chandler) You're not Jennifer!

Chandler: Joe! I don't roll that way! In fact, I'm not rolling anyway for you!

(Rachel starts to crack up.)

Chandler: Did you do this?

Rachel: I've got to get to work.

Joey: What time is it?

Monica: Seven!! Damn clocks!

(Everyone gets ready and leaves for work. Hours pass, and everyone meets at Central Perk for lunch.)

Joey: Digital clocks suck!

Ross: Why don't you get a normal one?

Joey: Well, you see—

Chandler: Joe can't read clocks unless it reads the time for him.

Joey: Hey! It's more of like I'm too lazy to read them….

Chandler: No, Joe just can't read!

Phoebe: Ok, so whose clocks freaked out last night?

Chandler: Joey's woke him up at one and mine read seven.

Joey: And Chandler acted gay.

Rachel: And mine woke me up an hour late.

Chandler: And Joey slept on top of me.

Monica: And mine didn't wake me up at all!

Phoebe: So, technically, your still asleep!

Joey: Oh, I so wish I was still asleep. I was doing Jennifer Aniston!

Rachel: Oh, she's so pretty!

Ross: More like a hottie!

Chandler: Does anyone think Rachel looks like Jen?

Rachel: Well I'm flattered!

Everyone (but Chandler and Rach): No.

Rachel: Hey! I have blonde hair! And our haircuts are similar! And we have the same height!

Phoebe: But bone structure, so different.

Joey: And she's an actress! And you're a waitress!

Rachel: That has nothing to do with looks!

Joey: But it makes me want to do her!

Phoebe: Yes, but actress and waitress both end in –ress. Coincidence? I think not!

Monica: Oh, and Rach, your hair is very messy this morning.

Ross: Yea, Jen's is always neat.

Rachel: Well that's because the clock woke me up late!

Joey: Than set it earlier! (Everyone stares at Joe.)…oh, right, you did!

Phoebe: Well, good luck with the clocks tonight! I've got a client in 15 minutes, but we'll catch up later.

Ross: Oh, yea, but I'm having dinner with Carol and Susan to discuss the baby relationship. So I'm out. (He leaves.)

Rachel: (walks up to the counter) Gunther, do you have a clock that's not haunted?

Gunther: Oh, yes.

Rachel: Thanks (she takes the clock).

Gunther: And Rachel? Are you going to be using that clock by your bed?

Rachel: Yea, on my nightstand. Why?

Gunther: And you'll be touching it?

Rachel: Well, I kind of need to in order to turn off the alarm. Is that a problem?

Gunther: NO! But I will pay you for using it.

Rachel: Why?

Gunther: Um, well I guess not if you insist. Have fun with that clock!

Rachel: Um, Gunther…(whispers) it's just a clock.

Gunther: Oh, of course.

(The scene changes to Ross' apartment. He is getting ready for his dinner with Carol and Susan. His dinner is at 6:30 and it is six right now.)

Ross: Ok, I will get ready for the dinner…but if I take some extra time it will take time away from seeing Susan!...and who am I talking to? (Just then the phone rang. It is Carol.)

Ross: Hello.

Carol: Where were you? You missed dinner! We ate without you!

Susan: And it was wonderful.

Ross: What, it's only 6:00!

Carol: It's 8:00, Ross!

Susan: Looks like you screwed up!

Ross: Oh, I'm sorry. Bye. (He hangs up the phone.) Yes! (He starts to dance.) I missed dinner!

(The scene changes to Phoebe at work. She is waiting for her client.)

Phoebe: Where the hell is he? I've been waiting for 15 minutes! (She waits for 15 more minutes and then the man arrives.) Where were you! I was waiting for half an hour!

Man: Excuse me, my appointment was for now—

Phoebe: Don't give me any excuses! You missed your shot buddy! I have other clients to work with. GO! (The man leaves confused.)

(The scene changes to the coffee house again, where everyone is gathered for breakfast. This time everyone's clock got them up on time.)

Ross: Well, my clock was two hours off yesterday! I missed my dinner with Carol and Susan!

Monica: Oh, I'm sorry, it happened to you to.

Chandler: It's a conspiracy!

Ross: Are you kidding? I didn't want to go to dinner with Susan! It was a miracle!

Rachel: Well, you were lucky this time.

Joey: Yea, I was expecting a response on the lines of 'I'm so bummed. I need Jennifer to cheer me up'. (Ross stares at Joey.)

Ross: Joe, you're the only man I can think of that would ever say that. (Joey does Ross's thing where he bangs his fists together that Ross made up to give the finger at people without actually giving the finger. Ross glares at Joey and mouths 'I'm watching you'. Joey glares back.)

Phoebe: Hey, you know what I just realized, I am the only one that didn't have a haunted clock.

Monica: Oh, rub it in.

Phoebe: But, now that I think about it that may have happened to my client. He came late, and so I didn't give him a massage.

Chandler: Hey, Pheebs, let me see your watch. (He grabs it.) Yea, you're a half hour off.

Phoebe: A half hour ahead!

Chandler: Yep.

Phoebe: No! Oh, he's so going to get me fired….

(The scene changes to Monica and Rachel's apartment.)

Monica: Oh, Rach, one of Joey's sisters is visiting tonight. In about an hour.

Rachel: A little late of notice!

Monica: Well, maybe the clocks are wrong!

Rachel: Oh, god, that'd suck. Let's call everyone and check on the time.

(Both of them call everyone and they all have the same time. They have an hour to get ready, and then they have to go to Joe's apartment to see Mary Therese. Just then there's a knock on the door and it's Joey.)

Monica: What is it now?

Joey: Mary Therese is here! Come on!

Rachel: It's an hour early! Don't tell me—

Joey: Yep, clocks are off again! (Chandler comes in)

Chandler: Joe, Mary Angela is getting a little bored by my jokes.

Joey: You don't tell jokes to Mary Therese! She'll slice your head off!

Chandler: Really?

Joey: No, that was a joke, which proves, YOU DON'T TELL JOKES TO MARY THERESE! Now, come on.

Monica: I'm in my sweats still!

Rachel: And I'm in my robe!

Joey: She won't mind!

(Joey and Chandler go back to their apartment.)

Rachel: Which one is Mary Therese?

Monica: I don't know, I'm just hoping she's not the biker chick.

(Monica and Rachel leave to Joey and Chandler's apartment. Ross and Phoebe are seen walking up the stairs to the apartment.)

Phoebe: These damn shoes!! They're so small!

Ross: Then why'd you wear them?

Phoebe: Well, I thought I had an extra hour! Then I found out all our clocks were off in UNISON! (Ross and Phoebe walk up to the door. Mary Therese is standing in the doorway.) I HATE DAMN CLOCKS! (Mary Therese stares at Phoebe and then runs to get Joey. Joey comes.)

Joey: What was that? Mary Therese said you freaked out at her?

Ross: I think she freaked out at the clocks.

Joey: Just come in for dinner.

(Everyone is sitting at the table. It's been about a half hour. Mary Therese asks Joey is they can talk in private.)

Joey: What is it?

Mary Therese: Your friends are a little…strange.

Joey: What?

Mary Therese: One won't stop telling jokes, two aren't dressed at all for company, another has the strangest grudge against clocks, and the last won't stop talking about dinosaurs! I'm a little scared for you, Joe.

(The silent dinner continues, and Mary Therese later leaves.)

Everyone: I hate clocks!

Chandler: As I was saying, IT'S A CONSPIRACY!

Joey: Goodnight, I've got a date with Jennifer!

(Everyone leaves. The TV is left on.)

News Reporter: It seems as though a dark haired man (a paper is given to him) by the name of Joey Tribbiani (Joey runs out of his room at the sound of his name and watched the TV) hit a power switch a couple nights ago, changing the workings of many of the clocks on his floor, including some that run through the same power lines in other buildings. This harsh mistake should be fixed by tomorrow. (Joey stares at the TV. His eyes widen, his jaw drops and he begins to point at the TV, freaking out.)

End Creditss


	5. TOW They Go on a Road Trip

Friends: TOW They Go on a Road Trip

Disclaimer: I own nothing Friends…unfortunately.

Note: This takes place in season 9 or 10. But Rachel and Joey are not dating, and Rachel is not pregnant (I couldn't remember when she had Emma). Not much plot, hopefully just a laugh.

(Coffee house, again.)

Phoebe: So, road trip, baby!! (She waves her arms around, making it look like she is getting rid of a swarm of tiny flying bugs.)

Chandler: Please don't do that…ever.

Rachel: Yea, Chandler thinks he's already an embarrassment, and he's hoping it's not possible to become more of one. (Chandler stares.) What? I can't do it also?

Chandler: No, it's my thing!

Joey: Hah! That was funny! What? I'm slow today, this is decaf! (points to coffee)

Monica: Oh, Ross, this is going to be just like when we were younger!

Ross: Yea, we had the best road trips with mom and dad.

Monica: We would sing '99 bottles of beer' and make the trucks honk on the highway!

Ross: And stop at every fast food restaurant. McDonalds—38 times!

Phoebe: You kept track? (She mouths 'wow').

Monica: I think we spent more time eating than driving!

Chandler: Monica, tell us something we don't know! Hey, that was funny!

Joey: Ok, stop renimiscing (really reminiscing), or whatever the damn word is, I wasn't in your past!

Phoebe: It's ok, Joe, I wasn't either! We can be alone together!

Chandler: I was only in the college years, and you didn't miss anything, actually life really sucked back then. (Ross glares and Chandler mouths 'What?').

Rachel: (Answers her cell phone) Yes? Really? Oh, ok, that's too bad. Yea…well, thanks for letting me know. (Hangs up). That was the van agency. They hadn't realized that they had booked the van already.

Ross: What?! How are we going to get down to the Jersey shore?

Phoebe: It's fine, we can just break up into pairs and take three cars.

Joey: You know, that's so crazy it just might work!

Monica: Oh, me and Ross! Me and Ross! I got ROSS!

Chandler: I'm your husband; do vows mean nothing to you?

Ross: Sorry, Chandler, but we know how to crash a good road trip!

Rachel: Well, you know how to crash something on the road, but I'm not sure it's the trip….

Joey: Oh! I get Rachel!!

Chandler: Which leaves me with…

Phoebe: ME!

Chandler: (Unenthused) Funny how that works, isn't it…?

Joey: (thinking hard) Oh, got it, Phoebe! Took me a bit, it's a toughy!

Chandler: But can I bring my magic eight ball?

Phoebe: Sure!

(Scene changes, everyone is loading there bags into their cars, chatting.)

Monica: Ok, so we will meet up in about three hours when we get off the highway. Actually, let's add another half our for side trips! And, remember to set your watches to my time, pronto. Hey! You guys aren't listening! Hey, I checked, and it's set correctly! It's important! HEY!!

(They set off, going on their own to get to the Jersey shore. Rachel and Joey…)

Joey: Oh, Rach, this is going to be so fun! I hope we see IHOS!

Rachel: What the hell is IHOS?

Joey: International House of _Sandwiches_. Duh!

Rachel: _Sandwiches_…?

Joey: Yeah! The have subs, grinders, clubs, with salami, pepperoni, ham, meatballs, turkey, bacon, all types of veggies and sauces…um what's that one? Oh! Honey mustard, mayo, spices…

Rachel: That's enough!!

Joey: Well you're a little feisty today!

Rachel: Joey, I'm just—

Joey: You know what, if you keep arguing you can just make like a tree and go away!

Rachel: Joe, it's make like a tree and _leave_—

Joey: (throws up his hands) See? This is what I mean!

Rachel: Ok, I'm sorry.

Joey: (looks out the window) Hey that guy just tripped! (laughs) Hey, you! Have a nice trip—see you next _winter_!!!!

Rachel: Joey, it's…never mind….

(Scene changes: Chandler and Phoebe…)

Chandler: We need some music (turns on radio, playing some jazzy country music.) here we go!

Phoebe: Uck! This is not music! (Changes the station to a kids music station.) Hey, it's hokey pokey!

Chandler: Phoebe, this is for _kids_—

Phoebe: No, uh-uh!

Chandler: You don't know what I was going to say!

Phoebe: You were going to say 'can't you pick something more appropriate for our age?'

Chandler: Well, I don't think I'm _that_ predictable….

Phoebe: Don't you ever want to experience your inner child?

Chandler: Well, I dunno, my inner child went around asking if he could borrow extra lunch money incase he gets bullied out of it…

Phoebe: Come on, dance! (Chandler does some move where he shimmies and adds some snaps and bobs his head.) Ok, not like that!!!!

Chandler: Well, fine, I was trying to find my _inner child_….(Takes out his magic 8 ball) Is Phoebe a looney? (Shakes, says 'yes')

Phoebe: (snatches it) Is Chandler an ass? (Says 'yes') Hah!

(Scene changes: Monica and Ross…)

Monica: Oh, we are so going to have a better road trip than everyone else! We know how to party!

Ross: Yeah!

Monica: Do you need to go to the bathroom?

Ross: Yeah!

(Seen coming back to the car and driving on.)

Monica: But that doesn't mean we can't party, right?

Ross: Yeah, it's just an issue of bladder control, really….

Monica: Hey, let's make buds with the driver next to us!

Ross: (makes a thumbs up) He doesn't seem to have seen my thumbs up. How about a peace sign?

Monica: Ross, no—

Ross: Uh oh… I think he thought I was giving him the finger!!!! (makes a funny face) Monica, FASTER!

(Rachel and Joey…)

Joey: (Now has the wheel. Swerves out of the line) Hey, it's IHOS!!!

Rachel: JOEY!

Joey: It's ok, once you eat a meatball sub, you will forget all about how mad you are…

Rachel: I don't eat meatballs! (They get out of the car and go into IHOS)

Joey: How much is a meatball sub?

Man: $10.

Joey: I will give you $9.

Man: I will give you 2 for $24.

Joey: Sure!

Rachel: Joey….

(They sit down to eat)

Rachel: You know what, these meatballs are pretty good!

Joey: I told you. Right? You forgive me now?

(Scene changes: Rachel is seen barfing into a trash can.)

Joey: Sorry Rach, I didn't know the chef's didn't wash their hands!

(Phoebe and Chandler…)

Chandler: Phoebs, can we eat?

(They stop at a fast food restaurant.)

Chandler: I'll get a chicken sandwich.

Phoebe: And a salad for me. And make sure to give me one of those toys!

(They eat at a table.)

Phoebe: They gave me chicken! Those idiots! I'm so appalled, you'd think it was that bloody thanksgiving all over again!

(Some men are seen whispering in the corner. They come over.)

Gang Man: (to Chandler) Jack, you're in for it. I won't let you do that to my sister.

Chandler: What?!

Gang Man: Ready for the fight?

Chandler: I'm from out of town. Is that like a code word for 'nice shirt'?

Gang Man: Think you're funny, do you?

Chandler: No! No, I don't! (Gang man rolls up his sleeves.)

Phoebe: Run! (Phoebe grabs Chandler and the sprint out of the fast food restaurant and look for the car) Where the hell is our car? It's not here!! It was stolen!

Chandler: Now, let's not jump to that conclusion…. They're coming!

Phoebe: Quick, get in!

Chandler: That's not our car!

Phoebe: GET IN!

(Ross and Monica…)

Ross: 98 bottles of beer on the wall, 98 bottles of beer! Take one down, pass it around, 97 bottles of beer on the wall! (Takes a sip of beer)

Monica: What are you doing?

Ross: I figure now I'm over 21—

Monica: Way over—

Ross: I could take a sip of beer for every bottle of beer….

(Half hour later…)

Ross: 51 booters of deer with a ball knocking on the wall…

Monica: (takes the bottle) That's enough!

Ross: Oh, it's a museum! Please, please, can we stop!

Monica: This was supposed to be fun, Ross!

Ross: I promise we can go wherever you want next…

Monica: Ok, what type of museum is it?

(They are seen running out of the museum towards the car.)

Monica: Ross!

Ross: Monica!...I'm sorry! I didn't know it was going to be a museum about the republic of Korea!!!

Monica: Just get in the car…next stop, gourmet restaurant! Of course, if we happen to see a mental hospital on the way…

(Rachel and Joey…)

Rachel: No, _I_ get the wheel now….

(They begin to drive.)

Rachel: I saw a shoe store!

Joey: A food store! Where? Where?

Rachel: No, a _shoe_ store. Yes, I'm still very mad at you.

Joey: The answer is:…strip joint.

Rachel: Fine, strip.

Joey: I feel so exposed! (Looks over to the next to them and sees a pretty lady) How you doin'? (She smiles. But the man next to her glares at Joey and puts up his fists.) Okay, shoe store now, and HURRY!!

(In the shoe store…)

Rachel: I got some boots. You gonna get anything?

Joey: Boots…add a b and drop an o!

Rachel: Bobs?

Joey: Crap. I was going for boobs. Well I like these shoes… (He is wearing water shoes, colored pink and orange. She starts to laugh.) I only like them cuz the tag says 'sex'. It's good advice, really.

Rachel: First of all, it says 'Rex', the brand. Second of all, do you plan on getting it on in a place you can't grip? (She laughs)

Joey: Laugh now, but one day I'll be rolling in the girls.

Rachel: So what are you doing now, practice? (They walk towards the door.) This knob's really not working.

Joey: Add an o, baby.

Rachel: Noob?

Joey: Crap! I was going for nude this time.

Rachel: Would you stop doing that?

Joey: What d'you want to do instead?...What about I little game I like to call 'Testiculo'?

Rachel: You do know that means testicle in Spanish?

Joey: Chandler said it meant Joey!

(Chandler and Phoebe…)

Chandler: Come on, you're on his tail. Get our car! GET OUR CAR!

Phoebe: Shut up! I'm doing the best I can!

Chandler: (to magic 8 ball) is she doing the best she can (says 'no') See Phoebe, it's speaks the truth!

Phoebe: That things a bad influence, mister! It's like crack for bozos. In fact, it is crack for bozos!

Chandler: (to 8 ball) Are you crack for bozos (says 'maybe'. He shakes again- says 'no') Hah! (Phoebe takes the ball from Chandler and throws it out the window.) Hey, that's my magical ball!

Phoebe: If your ball really was magical, I think you'd get laid more.

Chandler: Don't bring my sexual preference into this!...I mean…shut up!

Phoebe: Oh my God!

Chandler: What, what?

Phoebe: Please don't freak out, or I will butcher you with the knife I used on the mailman.

Chandler: It's a bit poetic, don't you think?

Phoebe: So, well, I think I just realized, that's not my car we've been chasing. (She cringes.)

Chandler: … (He reaches his arms and head out of the window) Help! Help!

(They come back to the restaurant they left their car at. Phoebe runs off.)

Chandler: Hey! Where you going?

Phoebe: Fresh air!

(Chandler chases her.)

Phoebe: The point of fresh air is that you weren't supposed to be there! (They end up in a field and Chandler catches up.) Pretty scene, isn't it? Almost as pretty as Freddie Prince Jr.'s butt.

Chandler: Oh, I completely agree. Maybe later we could go get manicures.

Phoebe: I would really appreciate that. (She starts to run around.) Don't you just love your inner child?

Chandler: Depends, does my inner child get all the girls he wants?

Phoebe: If your inner child's big enough.

Chandler: Dammit.

(Ross and Monica…. Ross and Monica are in a restaurant. Ross finds Monica in the back room where she is cooking.)

Monica: Hey!

Ross: Hey, you're cooking?!

Monica: Yeah, let me introduce you to everyone. This is Bob, Bill, Andrea and Tristan. But he doesn't speak English. See: Tristan, you're a hell of a good lover!

Tristan: What?!

Monica: (embarrassed) Ok, guess not.

Ross: Can we go?

Monica: No! (15 minutes later) Ross, we gotta go!

Ross: Huh?

Monica: It seems I put food poisoning in the restaurant food. They're threatening to 'crunch ass'.

Ross: What?

Monica: Well, it sounded like that, but of course it was another language. Yet they were also holding steak knives at the time.

Ross: Let's go!

(Outside, behind trash cans.)

Monica: What are we going to do?

Ross: How about you crawl in the trash can and I roll you down the hill.

Monica: You have a very poor sense of humor.

Ross: Well you have a very good sense of stupidity.

Monica: Oh yeah? Well how about you go fetch your dinosaurs and order them to attack!

Ross: And while they're doing that you can spray some house cleaner in their eyes!

Monica: I'm not obsessed with cleaning as much as you're obsessed with dinosaurs! Come on, Ross, I thought billions of years would have been enough time to sort out your grief!

Ross: First of all, it was only 100 million years ago, second of all, you were the one that had to clean my girlfriends apartment after we had broken up!

Monica: That's right, you broke up, could you ever stay with a girl? Only long enough for the vows, then it's over.

Ross: Yeah, well, you were fat!

Monica: Don't you bring my weight into this!

Ross: You're right, 300 pounds is a lot to bring!

Monica: (Ross looked behind him. Men and women were running towards them with steak knives. They ran for it.)

(Rachel and Joey…they are back on the road.)

Joey: Hey, look it's a yogurt convention!

Rachel: Don't you think you've eaten enough?

Joey: This is me you're talking to. That's like saying I've had enough girls! Hey, what's that! (He points and Rachel looks.) Made you look.

Rachel: And what was that for?

Joey: SO I could grab the wheel and go to the yogurt convention!

Rachel: …but you didn't.

Joey: Crap! I knew I was forgetting something! (Rachel rolls her eyes) Do you feel sick all of a sudden? (He throws up in his coke cup. Rachel drives past the yogurt convention)

Rachel: Gross…

Joey: Why you driving away!

Rachel: Honey, I don't think you can eat yogurt right now.

Joey: Sure I can!

(Phoebe and Chandler…they are in another restaurant.)

Phoebe: (has a deck of cards, a group of men are watching her) So now you see a Jack of Clubs. I put down the top card and pick it back up. And now you see an Ace of diamonds! (Chandler stares at her. The card trick was outrageously simple.)

Man: How do you do that?

Phoebe: I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you.

Chandler: (whispers to Phoebe) Phoebe let's go. These guys are obviously rednecks.

Man: What was that?!

Chandler: I mean… your neck just looks a little burned. It's not too bad, just put some aloe on it and it should be fine by tomorrow….Phoebe, RUN! (And the run off for the second time.)

(Ross and Monica…)

Monica: Ok, we're back on the road and safe…for now.

Ross: Yeah, sure… (he looked out the window into the next car where two woman are talking and one kisses the other) They remind me of Carol and Susan!

Monica: That _is_ Carol and Susan.

Ross: …FASTER!!!!

(They arrive at the Jersey shore and see Joey and Rachel coming alongside Phoebe and Chandler. Monica and Ross get out of the car.)

Everyone: That SUCKED!!!

Joey: Big time. Almost as big as my—

Chandler: No thanks Joe; if I hear one more joke about men, I'll—

Phoebe: Who wants to go? (Everyone raises there hands.)

Ross: Well this sucks. Back in the car everybody…

Joey: I get Phoebe!

End Creditss


End file.
